I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. On top of major depression and generalized anxiety because the universe just hates my guts.
I also found a new therapist. Not only do I need to work on my past trauma and also get through Felicia’s death, I have to start wrapping my head around my diagnosis. This is a lot to take, honestly. I don’t know if I should be relieved that there’s an explanation behind the things I do and accept it or continue to feel like shit because I am not built for this.
Living with major depression has been a struggle for me. It takes a lot out of me just to get through getting up in the morning and doing the most mundane tasks. Then the tiredness and occasional body pains. The suicidal thoughts, the feeling of worthlessness, feeling helpless, feeling overwhelmed…I could go on and on. It’s really a lot to deal with. Now that I have another mental health diagnosis on top of all that, it’s a lot to take.
I know that this will be a work in progress. I’m a work in progress. But I’m glad I found a therapist who is willing to work with my issues (and she’ll probably need therapy once she gets to know me) and be there to help me come up with new coping skills. I don’t know exactly when I decided I was ready to be in therapy again but I feel like everything that I’ve been holding in and not addressing are weighing me down.
Now that my kids are older and pretty much self-sufficient, I need to work on myself so I can be a better mom, wife, and person. Even if it means facing my demons.
Months passed by after Ginger died. Then on August of 2020, my friend Felicia died. Later on, Bob would pass away.
Felicia’s death was a surprise as she was only 39 years old. She would’ve been 40 on September 3rd. She had suffered some kind of brain bleeding. She was recovering until she suffered a heart attack which killed her. I met Felicia at an old job and we hit it off right away. I considered her as one of my best friends. She was really a joy to be around. Felicia was always smiling and she always had a positive attitude about things. It’s unfortunate that the good die young because the world could use a lot more good nowadays.
Fast forward to Carter’s 1st birthday…on January 18, 2021. It was a good day. I even dressed up the dog in a birthday bandana and a party hat. Unbeknownst to me that my old man cat passed away upstairs under my bed. When I found him, I was hysterical. Bob was around 12-13 years old when he died. We had a good 10 years together. So yeah, my cat died. We buried him in the backyard. He was a good cat…very clingy. But he showed me every day how much he loved me.
I haven’t yet found another cat. I still have Suki who is doing great. But it doesn’t feel right to just have one cat because as far as I can remember, I’ve always had 2 cats. I did apply for a male black kitty at the shelter and I submitted the required items so I’m just waiting to hear back from the shelter. His name is Leo but I plan on changing his name if I do end up taking him home.
I know I haven’t posted since last year but even though we’ve surpassed one year of the lockdown, work has gotten busier (which is a good thing). I will try to post more since I got a new MacBook Pro. And it’s beautiful (yay stimulus money).
I will also be open for freelancing again. I just need to find new clients.